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Kim Jong-un’s A List Of Un-Celebrities

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Reuters

 

So everybody knows about the self-promotional visit to North Korea of Darryl Rottweiler or whatever his name is (former NBA player, former celebrity, a definite I-thought-he-was-dead kinda guy) and the Harlem Dogwalkers (I thought they were defunct too, along with midway freak shows and vaudeville).

Five minutes of fleeting infamy, a lifetime of ignorant ignominy.

 

Derrick or Darnell or whatever the chump’s name is — and his handlers/sponsors/pimps at Void magazine or whatever it is — traded in their humanity and last tattered shreds of dignity just to have the spotlight shine on them momentarily as they bent over and made cow eyes at a third-generation mass murderer, totalitarian despot and all-round bloody piranha/pariah.

 

Doofus or Dorkis or whatever his name is bragged about conducting “basketball diplomacy” with the killers and torturers of the Kim Jong-un regime. It is to laugh … and cry … and shed tears of rage. Such a self-serving, vile and cynical piece of flimflammery from a scum-sucking bottom-feeder.

 

It’s no surprise that the U.S. State Department has no interest in debriefing Dorkis about his Kim Jong-un tete-a-tete: Any “insight” would be worse than useless because Dorkis (I think we’ve settled on a name) is obviously completely unaware of the world on the other side of his sunglasses, fixated on his own navel ring, oblivious to real inhumanity and systematized brutality, and incapable of recognizing monsters parading as jolly little goofs or having the moral compass to attack them, condemn them or, at the very least, avoid them. No, instead Dorkis hugged the turd. You stink, Dorkis. In so many ways.

 

Just to keep the record straight, this is not meant to be funny. I’m angry and outraged that the-guy-I-will-not-name is such a self-involved, ignorant piece of crud that he could caper with a predatory tyrant just to catch one more whiff of the stale smell of what passes for celebrity in this age of knockoffs, frauds and poseurs.

 

I’m not too happy with the Harlem Dogwalkers either, but at least I didn’t hear any of them calling Kim Jong-un a “great leader” and an “awesome kid.”

 

Yep, Dorkis probably would have said Hitler was a “super führer” and a “real sweetie.” Stalin? Maybe the “father of his people” and a “cool guy who gets things done?”

 

There is something vastly obscene about mixing the hunt for pop culture celebrity with the real horrors and suffering of the world — especially in a nation that has been turned, in six decades of totalitarianism, into one vast concentration camp in which 15 or 20 million prisoners are cut off from hope and help by five or 10 million guards and kapos. (The numbers are imprecise because, in a totalitarian universe, many inmates are both victims and victimizers.)

 

And somewhere between 200,000 and 500,000 North Koreans are in actual concentration camps — a gulag of slave labour, torture and execution complexes where prisoners  are beaten, starved, savaged, worked to death or simply, arbitrarily exterminated. Under the new, progressive, Western-educated, “nice” dictator, the number of work/death camps and the number of prisoners have actually expanded, grown larger than this web of evil was in the bad old days of Lil’ Kim’s father, Kim Jong-il.

 

Dorkis’ pursuit of celebrity in this cesspool is not just “an interesting juxtaposition of realities” — it’s an offence against humanity. Unfortunately, the soul’s window through which so many wannabe/usedtobe starlings view the world is so small and opaque that they are incapable of distinguishing opportunity from opprobrium.

 

And there are probably many other Dorki out there who, given the right amount of cash and celebrity incentive, would jump at the opportunity to rub shoulders and other body parts with the Killer Kim Klan (KKK-NK division).

 

Most of the people I mention here are probably — probably, I say with guarded certainty — aware that North Korea is a “bad” place. But I’m just as certain most of them don’t know why, exactly, North Korea is “bad” apart from the fact that it wants to have nuclear weapons just like the U.S. and says mean things about the U.S.

 

And — as long as they’re well paid, treated like stars, pampered and paraded, provided the right bottled water, cognac, Coke/coke and organic fruits in their “presidential” suites — I’m sure that most, if not all of the nominees, would accept an invitation from Kim Jong-un to come and play in the workers’ paradise of North Korea.

 

So let’s take a look at some of the fine specimens of humanity who might — might, I say — be worthy of a invitation from  Kim Jong-un — the “A List” (as in “A-hole List”), you might say.

 

With any of these people you can Google each one’s name and some variation of “jerk” or “slimeball” to get an apt resume of their crimes and misdemeanours. I happened to use “hole” — or a word much like it — but that was just a matter of personal choice. My compilation may be different than yours. Feel free to make your own A List.

 

Owners and editors of Vicious magazine/.com (or Viscus or whatever it’s called)

For setting up and paying for Dorkis’ stupid, vile publicity stunt. Of course they wouldn’t dare to go themselves — even if Vicious/Viscus/whatever got piles of publicity and ad links out of their discomfort. I’d pay to see that.

 

O.J. Simpson

Kim Jong-un obviously has a soft spot for broken-down, morally bankrupt, existentially void ex-athletes. And we know he has no problem associating with people drenched in blood. So you, O.J., have a reserved spot on the KKK-NK invite list.

 

Oscar Pistorius

Guilty or not of cold-blooded, ‘roid-rage, sociopathic murder (hands up, all those who say guilty — whatever the official verdict), Pistorius deserves to partake of Kim Jong-un’s hospitality. He can strap on his running blades and try to dodge and weave through the minefields of the demilitarized zone. If he actually makes it to freedom and safety in South Korea, all is forgiven. No, not really. Not even then.

 

Lance Armstrong

You’ll like it in North Korea, Lance. Honest. You and Lil’ Kim can sit and stare intently into each other’s eyes and tell outlandish whoppers to each other and it just won’t matter. Nobody will (or, at least, should) believe anything either of you says. But you’ll really, really feel at home in North Korea, Lance. Honest. It might be the last place on earth you’re welcome.

 

Mel Gibson

You’ll like North Korea too, Mel — Jews are officially banned from entry into the Hermit Kingdom. Really. Not many blacks either, now that Dorkis has left. We’ll try not to book you in at the same time O.J.’s there. Sit and stay a while. Like forever.

 

Mike Tyson

If invited,Tyson would go for sure — as long as the price was right. Grand opening of a new carwash or state dinner and a little pretend sparring with the head of a gangster regime — all the same to Tyson. And why does he deserve to go to North Korea? Because of the sum totality of the really terrible things he’s done in his life. He’s a rapist, ear biter, pigeon lover and pigeon killer (“I used to kill pigeons, rip their heads off”) and has hinted at possibly having gotten away with (human) murder, among other things. Oh, and he decided 11 days after his four-year-old daughter’s strangulation death was a good time to get married again — but that’s not a legal issue. This I don’t understand: How could the stars of The Hangover movies go apeshit and ban Mel Gibson in Hangover2 but wait until Hangover3 to ex-communicate Tyson? Maybe the press-averse Zach Galifianakis  could forgive this racist, homophobic, misogynistic, psychotic rant by Tyson because it was directed at a reporter who dared to ask Tyson an impertinent question: “White boy, faggot, you can’t touch me. You’re not man enough. I eat your ass all alive, you bitch. Can’t anybody in here f*** with this, this is the ultimate. F*** you, you ho. Come say it to my face, you bitch. Come on you bitch, you’re a scared coward. You’re not man enough to f*** with me. You can’t last two minutes in my world, bitch. Look, you scared now, you ho. Scared like a little cracker bitch. Scared of the real man. I’ll f*** you ’til you love me, faggot.”

Sorry for going on about Tyson, but the more I read about him, the worse he seems. He and Kim Jong-un deserve each other. And Mike can try out the current production run of North Korea’s government-operated meth labs (usually for export only) while he’s there.

 

Michael Richards

Just so he can make racist “jokes” about Koreans — and see what a really negative audience response is like. Really.

You think I’m being too hard on poor old Cosmo Kramer?

Just as a reminder, here’s what that loveable goof had to say to a heckler in the audience when Richards tried to live the illusion that he was a stand-up comic, not an actor: “Fifty years ago, we’d have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass.You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherf***er. Throw his ass out. He’s a n*****! He’s a n*****! He’s a n*****! A n*****, look, there’s a n*****!”

 

Ted Nugent

Well, for starters, he has threatened to shoot the president of the United States — metaphorically, of course. A session of North Korean therapy is probably in order for anyone who believes the answer to every disagreement lies in the chamber of a gun. It’s fine for Nugent to Tweet “Pimps whores welfare brats & their soulless supporters hav (sic) a president to destroy America” but when one suggests shooting a “coyote” president … hmm, North Korea for you, Ted.

 

Sarah Palin

I truly do think a Sarah Palin-Kim Jong-un dinner date would be an incredible meeting of minds. Maybe they could talk a little basketball. Glen Rice’s scoring technique, for example. And Sarah could always tell Kim how she can “see” North Korea from her house in Alaska. I would love to witness that event — but only from thousands of kilometres away via an eye-in-the-sky spy satellite.

 

Guy Fieri

Just because he’s a total jerk, in my opinion. Spending a week in Pyongyang wouldn’t make Fieri a better person, but it would sure make me feel better knowing he was there. And he might pick up a new recipe for Roadhouse-style Boiled Tree Bark.

 

Angus T. Jones

Well, Angus T. Jones and Two and a Half Men sort of deserve each other, but Angus is going to need another source of income after 2.5 Men stops paying him $350,000 per episode to bite the hand that feeds him. I’m sure Kim Jong-un will ante up an appearance fee — as long as Angus doesn’t call him “filth.” Angus, meet a real devil. Satan, meet a real Angus-hole.

 

Snooki (Snoozi? Squeegee?) Polizzi

You had problems with the quality of tanning salons in Italy, Snooki? You want something real to complain about? Welcome to North Korea.

 

All the Kardashians

Because Kim Jong-un deserves to be punished.

 

Chris Brown and Rihanna

Nah, scratch that. They’ve got each other — punishment enough.

 

Tom Flanagan

I’m not jumping on a kneejerk bash-Flanagan bandwagon: I had a screaming match a decade ago about this issue with a former friend who was supposedly just playing devil’s advocate by defending the “freedom of speech” of child pornographers. They aren’t just harmless “pictures” — a child is being abused and damaged in body and soul by an adult to make that “picture.” Flanagan may have had a naive, philosophical view of what constitutes child pornography (of which I am sure he has since been disabused … too late) but libertarian laissez-faire precepts just don’t cover child pornography … or snuff films … or murderous, obscene death camps run by tyrannical dictators and their henchmen.

 

And Ben Affleck

Just because of Argo. Really. Then Ben can make a movie about single-handedly rescuing those 200,000—500,000 tortured, starving prisoners from Kim Jong-un’s gulag of concentration camps. Take a bow, Ben.

 

As for Dorkis and Kim Jong-un, you two should be flushed. And not with pride.


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